My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
you made out with another girl for some wings
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
