Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
