It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
