I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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