watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
