This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
