i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
