mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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