I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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