pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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