the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
