Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize