Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
