She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
