I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm just crazy horny about you
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
