3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
