i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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