I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
