Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
