I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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