I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
