she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
