i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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