Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
