I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
