You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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