I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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