We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
