ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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