Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How naked do you want me to be?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
