You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
