If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
