i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
me + whiskey = a bad person
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
