Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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