Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
