there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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