You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
