I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
