I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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