I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
