in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Randomize
