dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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