my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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