I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
