I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2