Can i not drive my cunt home
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
