I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
