In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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