If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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