Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.