I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
