dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize