My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
